How to Lead a Partner Who Won't Move in Aikido

So many instructors tell us to lead our partners, but almost nobody explains how. What do you do when the person in front of you isn't moving? They're not going anywhere. The technique stops, they resist, and the blending or leading you've been told about just isn't working.

The training partner who made me earn every throw

Back in the 1980s, I was fortunate to have a friend and training partner who was much bigger and much stronger than me. There were many of those, but this one really did not want to give me anything. He wanted me to earn every throw, which meant I got locked down with him often.

What I finally started doing, and luckily my teacher never told me not to, was switching techniques. If we were working on shihonage and I got locked down in the first few tries, I'd switch to kokyunage, or to tenchinage if we were doing two-handed grabs. Not fast. Just enough that my mind didn't get locked onto any one technique. And he would go with it.

I don't think that was only a trick to get him to fall down. It may have been even more of a trick for my own brain. Maybe the reason he could stop me so easily was that I was locked into doing it exactly one way. When I freed up my mind and did what seemed natural for how we were aligned in relation to each other, I had much better luck. Then we could get back to four and four and four in a nice rhythm.

The horse and the carrot

The other thing I worked at was leading. As an oversimplification, think of a horse and a carrot. You can lead a horse with a carrot if you hold it the right distance away, in an inviting atmosphere. If you're holding the carrot in one hand and a whip in the other, the horse is going to think, "I'd love that carrot, but I don't want to get hit. This person seems mean."

And once you feed the horse the carrot, you've lost your currency.

Distance matters too. If you're five miles down the road, the horse isn't following you; you're too disconnected. If you're an inch away, the horse grabs the carrot faster than you expected and doesn't need to follow you anymore. You have to be just the right distance, with a welcoming path. It's the same with your partner.

Leading isn't pulling

Most people, especially at the beginner and intermediate levels, confuse leading with pulling. Often they try to pull and turn at the same time. If your partner is honest and heavy, that won't work. Pulling is just moving against resistance.

And whenever we force something, we're training something we don't really want. Nobody starts Aikido so they can fight force with force. Not meeting force with force is one of the things that draws people in.

Separate success from whether your partner falls

Most of us equate our partner not falling with failure. What if we separate success and failure from what our partner does?

If your partner makes a big, committed attack, moves a lot, and comes up with a surprised face saying, "I didn't even feel anything," but doesn't fall, that's probably success. If you're bigger than your partner and you make them fall, but they get up rubbing their hip, you weren't sensitive. Even though they fell, I'd call that failure.

So if your partner doesn't move and you catch yourself tightening up or pushing and pulling harder, call that failure. That's not what we want to get good at. If you train yourself to get quieter in your mind and try leading instead, call that success.

Connection before contact

In conversation, we know the difference between a connected exchange and one where we think, "Wait, are you even listening to me?" Leading needs that same connection, and it has to start before the physical contact.

If you're leading by force, the connection only starts when their hand grabs your wrist and you pull. With connection-based leading, it starts earlier. So instead of asking, "How do I move this person?" ask, "Where should I go? Where are we going?" Then the technique folds into that. It sounds easy. It isn't.

The mechanics

First, commitment without rigidity. Think of a good conversation: you commit to it and get rid of distractions, but you don't lock yourself into a specific outcome. You listen and respond. If you think a technique has to be step one, step two, a 45-degree angle, a 37-degree angle, your partner will just get more rooted.

Second, point your center toward their center, and start moving it just a little before their center moves. Imagine two flashlights. Line up three points, your belly button, the contact point, and their belly button, and move your part of that line half a centimeter ahead of theirs.

Third, stay loose through the whole process, especially your shoulders. Even before they've touched you, it makes a difference. Once you think your shoulders are loose, loosen them more. For this kind of work, your shoulders can never be too loose. When a big, strong person hangs on to you, you'll find out where the extra tension was.

Finally, pay attention to your partner in a benevolent way. Get rid of the whip. Loosen up, smile, give yourself an air of positivity. And remember that you don't know what's going on with the person in front of you. Maybe their back is killing them today, and that's why they don't want to fall.

Leading starts on the inside

Leading in Aikido asks you to think about your structure, quiet your mind so you can pay attention to your partner, and create a quality connection even before physical contact. If you change from the inside and loosen up, you'll have a much better chance of leading. And when you can lead well, your techniques go much more smoothly.

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