Why Trying Harder Can Make Your Aikido Worse

There's a specific moment in Aikido training. It doesn't happen on schedule, and you can't force it. Something shifts, you stop trying to make the technique work, and it works.

I remember one throw from when I was maybe fourth kyu. I was getting frustrated with my partner, who kept telling me to move bigger. Finally I got angry and moved really, really big, a huge tenkan, and he flew. I came in with the technique and he went flying, and I thought I'd hurt him. I hadn't. I had just been trying and trying with my arms against a strong guy, and then I finally gave up on that and moved huge instead, and he flew around me.

I have a lot of stories like that: trying and trying, and then the moment I stopped trying, it worked. As a beginner I assumed people were faking it for me. As your skill develops and you train with people less experienced than you, you start to notice the same thing from the other side: their physical strength is making you resist against them.

What "fighting" your partner actually means

This isn't obvious, so let's be precise about it. Fighting your partner doesn't mean being aggressive. It means working against their structure instead of with it. Push into someone's shoulders while they're standing with their feet at shoulder width, and you drive them straight into the earth, more stable, not less. That part is simple.

What makes Aikido difficult, and also what makes it wondrous, is that while your partner is moving, you're looking for how to enhance their movement in a way that makes them less stable. That's a genuinely hard problem, and it's worth sitting with the difficulty instead of rushing past it.

Resistance and connection can feel identical, especially to a beginner. You're told to stay connected, and what you feel is resistance, because your partner is still learning and their nervous system hasn't caught up to their thinking mind. And your partner is transmitting something to you the same way a handshake does. We've all shaken hands with a dominating grip or a weak one and felt it instantly, consciously or not. Fighting shows up the same way.

Where the technique actually starts

When you finally drop the fighting feeling, the technique stops beginning with your intention and starts beginning with uke's intention. While uke is still approaching, you're already starting: setting your feet, sinking into your knees, whatever it is. You're not leading them. You're already in the place you need to be by the time they arrive, because you can read where they're going. That's not a metaphor. It's something physically specific happening in your body, and the calmer your mind, the easier it is to prepare for their entrance.

How to practice toward this

Training slower doesn't always feel productive, but it can be enormously productive, as long as you don't get lazy about it. Keep your knees bent, keep expanding and contracting through your core. Speed is often where mistakes and bad habits hide.

Just as important: be willing to let the technique fail completely. We get used to thinking our partner is supposed to fall down and it's our job to make that happen. But when someone attacks, they're taking a real risk of losing their own balance. If you can find that moment and move accordingly, that's the work. And give yourself permission for the technique to fail, for your partner to not fall, for you to not throw them. My sensei used to say you get good at what you do. If your goal is quality of contact and alignment, forcing someone down gets you better at forcing, not at the thing you actually want. Slow down, let the technique fail, and treat the failure as information. It doesn't even always mean the technique failed. Maybe your partner is protecting an old injury and disengaging early on purpose.

One more thing that helps: train with a wide variety of people. Your regular training partners are valuable, but branching out to seminars, including ones outside your own organization, puts you in front of people who move in ways you don't expect. That's where you find out what actually works and what's just familiar.

In conclusion

When you stop fighting with your partner, you're not being soft. You're being more accurate, and paying closer attention to yourself. The force was never necessary. It was covering for a lack of precision.

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